my utterly delicious thoughts, eat them up!

learning to live again

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Reading my last journal entry makes me wonder...was my head stuck up my bum? She was not and can never be a bestfriend to me. It seems habitual that every spring I end up lonely and depressed without fail, the people around me begin to disappoint me all the more and I begin to look for new friends only to find them disappointing as well. At least this time around I'm stronger in the sense that I have the ability to really and truely LEAVE people who I dont need in my life. Who can't help me, who can't make me stronger, and can't give me what I need. I dont know why i have high standards for friends, all I know is that I have NEVER been satisfied by friends. Many friends make me happy but do not fufil me. There is something so deep within me that yearns for a friend that knows me, really knows me, and really cares about me. Many people me that they dont know what they'd do without me, yet I find myself without any of those people today (save one). I'm waiting for the day when I can say I truely know a person, that they lay out who they are. Someone who I can laugh, cry, yell, praise and know to the deepest portion of their soul, and there is only one person in the whole world that lets me see all and lets me see all of them. I miss her, and wish she were closer. Dad thinks the end times are near because the hearts of men are growing colder, he's 65 and I asked if 40 years ago people were easier to get to know, he said yes. I'm 20, and I believe that it is TRUELY hard to know people, to really know a person's soul. I yearn to really know people and cut out the crap, which means that i'll have to get real and share my crap. yeah well i've got alot of it but if it means going deeper, heck yes let put on our wellies and do some dirt diggn.

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