cattalia

Reading my last journal entry makes me wonder...was my head stuck up my bum? She was not and can never be a bestfriend to me. It seems habitual that every spring I end up lonely and depressed without fail, the people around me begin to disappoint me all the more and I begin to look for new friends only to find them disappointing as well. At least this time around I'm stronger in the sense that I have the ability to really and truely LEAVE people who I dont need in my life. Who can't help me, who can't make me stronger, and can't give me what I need. I dont know why i have high standards for friends, all I know is that I have NEVER been satisfied by friends. Many friends make me happy but do not fufil me. There is something so deep within me that yearns for a friend that knows me, really knows me, and really cares about me. Many people me that they dont know what they'd do without me, yet I find myself without any of those people today (save one). I'm waiting for the day when I can say I truely know a person, that they lay out who they are. Someone who I can laugh, cry, yell, praise and know to the deepest portion of their soul, and there is only one person in the whole world that lets me see all and lets me see all of them. I miss her, and wish she were closer. Dad thinks the end times are near because the hearts of men are growing colder, he's 65 and I asked if 40 years ago people were easier to get to know, he said yes. I'm 20, and I believe that it is TRUELY hard to know people, to really know a person's soul. I yearn to really know people and cut out the crap, which means that i'll have to get real and share my crap. yeah well i've got alot of it but if it means going deeper, heck yes let put on our wellies and do some dirt diggn.

Long ago I prayed a prayer that I thought God ignored. I was wrong. God didn't ignore it, he just didn't answer it right away. I have a real best friend, I havn't told her, that she is mine. I think she knows it, at least I will tell her. For years I've endured bestfriends, and thought that this is what it's always supposed to be. So i'm quite happy, that we met.

On another note, Caleb emailed me back .yay. weeee he's the bestie best. My bud from nz. i miss nz. i miss the people, the scenery, the smell, the food. oh man the food. South Africa will have to wait till I have an entire summer to burn.

In the words of K M K, Bam!

my icon was made by someone really cool...cant remember who made it. they rock though..

Ok so now I am offically an employee of Consumer Credit Counseling Service. Yay.I start on monday. I'm emotionally drained, i need a year long sleep. woot.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I:

» I committed suicide:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Art:
» Comments:
» Character Designs:

WHAT ABOUT US:

» Who are you?
» Are we friends?
» When and how did we meet?
» How have I affected you?
» What do you think of me?
» What's the fondest memory you have of me?
» How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
» Have I ever hurt you?
» Would you hug me?
» Are we close?
» Emotionally, what stands out?
» Do you wish I was cooler?
» On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
» Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
» Am I loveable?
» How long have you known me?
» Describe me in one word.
» What was your first impression?
» Do you still think that way about me now?
» What do you think my weakness is?
» Do you think I'll get married?
» What about me makes you happy?
» What about me makes you sad?
» What reminds you of me?
» What's something you would change about me?
» How well do you know me?
» Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
» Do you think I would kill someone?
» Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

grrrr i have to work today, oh the joys of being employed.

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Loose at least seven jobs. Get your resolution here

lmao, im just trying to get one good one.

hey people I got a job at VICTORIAS SECRET, woot. tomorrow is orientation, mom and I spent 2 hours searching for black slacks, black shirt, and it was all done at the village. FOR ONCE THEY HELPED ME OUT! have a spiffy day, yay tanya's back.

im 18 today folks yup the big 1-8. i am typing to y'all from my oh yes BRAND NEW DELL COMPUTER. oh my gosh it is the most awesome thing ever, my speakers rock, i mean i have a master volume control. oh man im happy as a clam. yes now i have NO CURFEW this city can kiss my caucASIAN butt! so yeah, everyone have a fabulous day cuz i decree so. giggidy giggidy

i hate choir, i hate being a senior. just wana finish this year and go to S.A. I can't ever miss class and have to do stupid concerts. my dad gets mad at my for using the cell phone. just so tired of life. feel like i'm going round and round in a boring little circle with no escape. hate doing therapy want it to end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wheres teh chocolate when u need it.

allright giggidy giggidy. ok so next saturday I get to see HANDLS MESSIAH!!!!! at OCPAC weeeeeeeeeeeeeee that makes me happy. given up for the most part on finding a job im just gonna wait till im 18 then apply to retail stores and disneyland on the 21st. oh yes i am in LUV with the harry potter book, its taking alot of self control to not read it now....i should be studying government...yeaah. no more to say. bye

right so i went to Harry potter and the goblet of fire on friday and it was wonderful to say the least. I thought it was a little long but the acting was fabulous and very interesting. I went to the drama/dance concert and friday, twas very good, very entertaining and saw lots of people i knew. Nicki, you fabulous baby im so proud. I've spent most of this weekend writing my college essay, mum helped me write it. yea i suck at writing essays off the cuff. i went to cornerstone church today and saw Ben yeah the football player, nice suprise. greaaaaaaat another day of working on college acceptance crap, i dont even want chapman that badly anymore, if i was rich i'd go to USC, john wayne went to USC, they have a great medical school. instead i get to waste 2 years at a school that can't do diddly for me. cheerio.

oh my gosh, my parents are the best in the world. my mom offered to have me go to SOUTH AFRICA as my senior present instead of new york. we have people staying at my house that are from south africa and they are very strong believers and they talk about what they've been doing and the place they live and.....wow. I just want to go there. wow. i feel a little spark in my heart. oh my..

ok so im reading a new book (actually i got it last christmas) and I really like it, its called "the good earth" but i noticed that i read really really slowly. I know that I read at the speed of a 6th grader which is why at the end of my eye therapy I'm getting a program that speeds up my reading. Which in turn means at the end of the alotted use I will be reading at a College level speed....heck yes! im still frustrated because it feels like I've still got problems with my eyes. for example when I read anything the background stands out more than it should....which annoys me. For anyone reading this take a moment to realize how lucky you are that you do not have any reading hinderances. Still waiting on that day when i'll be able to read like anybody else....I think i'll be dead then.

im going to give up trying to get into a relationship, it just doesn't work out when I try. this is what I figure, i'll become better aquainted with God and what he wants for me and then the right guy will come along. because these highschool guys sure arn't working out for me.

senior pics today, if i look like crap in them....im going to cry.

over and out.

i cant handle the stress. its not even christmas and i'm stressing over getting people presents. screw christmas. im already sick of thinking about my birthday. I HATE THIS HOUSE. everything with my father has to be a debate. i cant handle it!!!!!!!!! i feel like i have to yell at my parents to get them to hear me. if I dont wear something my mom's bought me she effing  yells at me. this happens all the time  get over the damn orange sweater! i hate my keyboard, it doesn't type sometimes and makes me frustrated. they wont let me be a teenager! im sick of this, im sick of them. its like i cant make them understand me. its not my fault sam is a screw up. maybe its cuz i dont cry alot only emotional crap does. ok i feel slightly better. good day

i am so upset right now. the whole reason i went to brea mall today was to get my alice in wonderland costume which didn't fit me. i checked this morning and online they had it at hottopic and on sale. well guess what ITS ALL SOLD OUT! so now i dont have a costume and its my dad's fault being a hard ass.

ok so I had a better night than anticipated. I went to church and it was good i got some prayer and renewal. Then.... guess who I went out to coffee with????? MATT!!! i hadn't talked to him online for a while so I thought he didnt like me but then he asked me out for coffee and we talked it pleasureable hehe. Then we went to target and bought the family guy movie and watched that and got cuddly on the couch..hehe. hey that was my first date, i think...and I liked it. He is soo sweet and so hot! heck yes he is gorgeous. my hand was cold so he held it and made it warm. he was soo sweet. he had to pick up his brother so we didn't finish the movie but I walked him to the car and i gave him a hug goodbye. i didn't kiss him, not yet, its gotta be special. i think i'll be seeing more of this lad...hehe yessssssssss.

lol seems like everyone's in a ranting mode at the moment so i'll get on the bandwagon. choir didn't suck as bad this morning cuz ms. blakely (evil neo nazi) moved kimmy next to me yay i <3 kimmy. then drama didnt suck cuz at least my girls were trying but they are easily distracted.

arg i swear im never going to get better, my parents have to pay 75 effing dollars every weekend and I still dont feel like i read and comprehend like everyone else. *utter frustration* and now i like this guy...i think i like him...or is it lust? bad lexy bad no lusting...dang hes hot. 11 months of being single is enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im afraid hes bored of me. dunno y i feel so low, i need a hug. yea i really do.

my daddy has to go to the ER because of his eye, he's having a "eye show."and he didn't wana go to the er...

yea thanks to my dumbass brother part of my retainer is broken. THE DUMBASS stepped on it and it will cost 100 bucks to fix it, JUST SO THAT HE COULD TELL ME ABOUT THE STUPID ANGELS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE BASEBALL.